As someone who’s been polyamorous for nearly a decade, I’ve heard all the bullshit misconceptions from naysayers who insist that anyone who’s poly just “has commitment issues,” that we’re spreading STIs like wildfire, or that someone’s just poly to placate their horny partner. I’ve never had an issue disproving these ideas, but one critique I’ve found a little more challenging to argue with is the idea that polyamory never works out long-term.
In fact, it’s a debate I’ve had with my mother, who’s otherwise supportive of my poly lifestyle, countless times. She insists that open relationships can work, but polyamory—actually loving and having committed relationships with multiple partners—always ends in flames and heartbreak. Unfortunately, she’s not alone in her opinion. There are countless articles, blog posts, and Reddit threads dedicated to “proving” why polyamory isn’t sustainable.
It’s not that I believe this assumption to be true, but unfortunately, there just aren’t that many publicly long-term poly role models to point to. The relationship style has only just begun to break into the mainstream, and many poly couples (and throuples and quads) haven’t been open about it because they, understandably, fear discrimination. Polyamorous people are not a federally protected class, so in the vast majority of states, you can still get fired for being poly. And while these cases aren’t typically made public, there have been several instances in which polyamorous parents have lost custody of their kids.
But all that’s not to say that success stories don’t exist. Just take it from Diana, 45, and Ed, 49, who’ve been polyamorous for 17 years. Like every couple, they experienced their own growing pains, but these two are happy, in love, and raising their eight-year-old daughter together.
Let their story below inspire you to realize that polyamory doesn’t just “work out” long-term… it can actually thrive.
ZZ: How did you two meet?
Diana: At a Burning Man happy hour in 2007.
ZZ: Of course, it was a Burning Man happy hour.
Ed: [Laughs] Previously, I’d been dating a woman who had experience with open and alternative relationships, because I recognized that I was in a pattern of serial monogamy. That relationship ended poorly, but I still wanted to explore alternative relationships. I started asking friends, and they all told me about this woman I should talk to—Diana. We both attended this Burning Man happy hour in the East Village, and when I saw her I realized she was the person everyone said I should meet, so I offered to buy her a drink.
Diana: I responded with, “I might be leaving soon, and I'm a lesbian. I don't date guys." Ed was like, "That's fine. I just wanted to chat with you and buy you a drink." I responded, "Okay, sure." I had just decided that I wasn’t bi; I was a lesbian after a ridiculous breakup with a guy at a festival where he decided he was going to take a whole arsenal of drugs. I was like, I'm done with these silly men.
ZZ: Fair enough.
Diana: But then, our first conversation was both about polyamory and bisexuality, and how we both felt marginalized and excluded in gay and lesbian spaces.
Ed: I had recently started dating a couple, and the experience was eye-opening. I thought to myself, How do I construct a view of relationships that allows me to deprogram myself from what I’ve been doing and really find something new, fulfilling, and different?
ZZ: Ed, it sounds like you were at the beginning of your poly journey. Diana, you were not. What was your journey like?
Diana: I have always felt deeply bisexual. I grew up in a religious and conservative environment and didn't understand my sexuality until I was in college. But I felt like there was such a monogamous hamster wheel—I was expected to find a man to marry. I was a working-class person. I got a chance to go to Yale and felt like I was supposed to find a husband there. And whenever I would express that I was bi, guys would be like, “Oh, great, we could have a threesome occasionally.” And I'm like, no, I want to fall in love with women and have it not be about you. It felt like an essential part of my feminist consciousness as I became more of a political person and thought more about my feminism. So, I've been polyamorous for 20 years.
ZZ: You two entered into a polyamorous relationship from the jump, then?
Diana: Yep, from the day we met.
ZZ: And you had other partners you were serious with when you met?
Ed: Yes, we both had other partners, and for the first two years of our relationship, we saw each other maybe two nights a week. We also had a shared Google calendar. During this whole period when we were really getting to know each other, we took things slowly.
Diana: It's not that we didn't want to see each other more, but we made an intentional decision to keep our independence and slowly get more entrenched in each other's lives at a pace that felt conscious and appropriate for keeping our independence. It was intense. I had never been more into somebody than they were into me. Ed came on the scene with a PhD, was great at consent and communicating feelings, and was awesome and a great lover. And a handful of women in the New York poly scene thought: That’s the guy you want to have a baby with. So it wasn’t just me who fell deeply in love with him that year; several other women did, too.
It was profoundly vulnerable for the first year to encourage him to choose his freedom and not, you know, "lock him down." And we had some tough times in that first year. For example, he asked me and another one of his partners to attend a regional Burning Man event with him. We shared a tent.
ZZ: How did it go?
Ed: It was a lot of fun, but also, there was a lot of crying.
Diana: A lot of crying. Neither of us wanted the other one there. We just wanted our time with him and resented each other. And you could feel it. He would roll toward one of us, and the other would be seething in bed. Honestly, all of it was a lot. I'd see Ed on Wednesdays, my partner on Tuesdays, and the person I dated on Fridays. I had a date every night of the week and never a moment to myself. It was a little ridiculous and excessive.
ZZ: That's something I struggle with too.
Diana: Now, I continue to intentionally plan time with my partners but also prioritize platonic friends and mommy/daughter time.
Ed: We didn't have any relationship role models, so we were figuring it out on our own. During those early years, we learned to trust each other, which really benefited us long-term. If we said, I’m okay with you going and doing that with that other person, we meant it. There were also times when one of us would express an opinion like, I don't think this person is stable or good for you, that wouldn’t come out of jealousy, but out of genuine concern.
ZZ: Can we talk about your relationship with your family? Do they know you’re poly?
Diana: In short, yes, we came out extremely publicly in a New York Times article in 2008. That’s when I told a lot of my biological family. My parents already knew; my mom was a PFLAG mom. She was incredibly supportive, but most of my biological family had, and still has, a tough time with it. As of 2008, my favorite uncle hasn’t spoken to me. But when my dad had a heart attack, I had two boyfriends at the time, including Ed, who were able to come up and support my mom and me and then also talk to the doctors. It was impactful for my family to see this isn’t just about sex. These people really care about me and the people I love.
ZZ: And what about your daughter? Does she know about your dynamic?
Diana: She definitely knows. I'm a lawyer who’s helped mediate family dynamics with polyamorous people since starting my law firm in 2007. I also consult on child custody cases where, essentially, a disgruntled ex tries to claim that their ex-spouse, who is now polyamorous with a new partner, is not fit to be a parent in an attempt to get full custody.
I know the social science and psychology data about what is and isn’t appropriate to expose kids to. One of the lessons from that is keeping information on the level of the child’s curiosity and not answering more than what they're asking for at that particular time. Don't expect that they’re making a story out of it that they aren’t. So my daughter may ask, “Oh, did he sleep over?” And I might have a moment of panic, thinking, “Oh gosh, she realizes,” but she doesn’t necessarily think a sleepover or house guest means having sex. So I’m just like, “Yeah, he did.”
ZZ: And then she’s like, “Okay, can I watch TV?”
Diana: Exactly, she'll ask, “Is he buying donuts?”
Ed: What is good for our child, any child, is stability. And so, that means if you have a new partner, you don’t introduce them until things are really more advanced. At first, it’s just, “This is Joe, he’s a friend.” But then maybe, Joe's around more, and we will explain that Joe is a “special friend.” Now that she’s older, we occasionally say, “Oh, it's a boyfriend or a girlfriend,” or, “We’re dating.” I think that's changed over the years, as she’s much more aware. But we've always had friends over, and these people really feel like a chosen family. Some of them have been lovers, and some of them have not.
ZZ: Would you consider yourself more hierarchical in your polyamory (meaning you prioritize each other over other partners)?
Diana: Yes, but we are less hierarchical than any other stable, grounded, married couple I know who has a kid. We frame our relationship as nesting partners—partners who live together and create a home together— rather than primary partners.
ZZ: [Noticing no wedding rings on either Ed or Diana] Are you married?
Diana: Yeah, we're married. April is the ten-year anniversary of our big hippie commitment ceremony. (Diana and Ed got married legally a few years later for legal/logistical reasons.) It was lovely. Several years before that ceremony, I’d expressed to Ed that I wanted to have a kid and asked what we would do about that. Because then, we need a deeper level of stability, so we chose that we're going to be both nesting partners and life partners, intending to share finances and raise a child together. But even our vows weren’t an agreement to be each other’s primary romantic partner for the rest of our lives. More so, it was like we were going to go on this journey together of being family, taking care of each other, having children together, and hoping that we stay in love and passionately romantic forever. But if we don’t, we'll still fulfill those other commitments and be there for each other.
ZZ: That's beautiful.
Diana: And, I think, much more honest. It also feels somewhat absurd to say, “I'm going to feel about you like I do right now for the next 60 years.” You can’t promise that.
Ed: Yeah. There was still a part of our vows and agreements where we expressed that if we were going to bring a child into this relationship, we are elevating the expectation of stability, that we would try to make things work, and that we would both be in the same place while we're raising this child. So, the question was, how do we create something that gives our family the necessary stability, but also recognize that the relationship part can change?
ZZ: I love that.
Diana: We're not trying to necessarily be the best poly couple, but I appreciate you giving us the opportunity to share our story so we can show that polyamory can be amazing. And it really is possible to create [multiple] relationships that have both deep stability and deep freedom.
